1 00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:10,176 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 2 00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,887 * * 3 00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,389 - * My words are lazy * 4 00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,307 * My thoughts are hazy * 5 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,436 * But this is one thing I'm sure of * 6 00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,064 * Everybody needs a best friend * 7 00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,817 * I'm happy I'm yours * 8 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,739 [upbeat jazz music] 9 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,241 * * 10 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,951 - Hey, thanks again for picking us up, Blaire. 11 00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:37,120 - Yeah, no problem. What'd you guys end up seeing? 12 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,204 - "Jurassic Park." 13 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,372 It's, like, the greatest movie 14 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:40,665 I've ever fucking seen, like, ever. 15 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,376 - Yeah, Spielberg actually got real dinosaurs. 16 00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,503 - Uh, yeah, I don't think so. 17 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,088 - No, he did. - No, he did. He totally did. 18 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,465 There's no other explanation. 19 00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:51,676 - I promise you guys he did not get real dinosaurs. 20 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,470 - Well, that's-that's a ignorant thing to say, Blaire, 21 00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:54,679 when you didn't see the movie. 22 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,182 - Yeah, no, he made "ET" and he made "Jaws" 23 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,391 and this was his reward. 24 00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,684 He got real dinosaurs to play with. 25 00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:00,727 It all adds up. 26 00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,270 - My only criticism of the movie-- 27 00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,606 who has open cups of water in the car? 28 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:05,940 - Oh yeah, that wasweird. 29 00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,567 - Yeah, it's like, you want a lid for that water? 30 00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,486 Nah, that's OK. I'm just riding in the jungle. 31 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,071 - Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store? 32 00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,155 I want to rent a movie. 33 00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,990 - You justsaw a movie. 34 00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,784 - Yeah, I know. And now, we got dinosaur fever. 35 00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,744 We want to see more movies with dinosaurs. 36 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,120 - [groans] 37 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,206 Fine, but you got to be quick. I got plans tonight. 38 00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,957 - Oh, yeah? What-what do you got going on? 39 00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,459 - Just stuff. 40 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:25,752 - Like college stuff? 41 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,003 - Yes. 42 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:28,296 - Toga party? - No. 43 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,589 - Fucking rush week? 44 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,674 - No. 45 00:01:30,715 --> 00:01:31,758 - Fucking around with the new pledges, 46 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,259 but then Diane goes a little too far 47 00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,636 and something horrible happens 48 00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,888 but then you all kind of work together to cover it up 49 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,098 and then the next day, 50 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,391 you just go to class like nothing happened 51 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:40,892 but now you're all bonded for life 52 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,227 by, like, a horrible secret, 53 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:43,770 and it seems like it's all going to be OK 54 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,438 but then Rachel seems a little shaky 55 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,273 and you wonder if she's going to be a problem? 56 00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:49,067 - What the fuck are you talking about? 57 00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,694 - I'm just making conversation. 58 00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:57,992 * * 59 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,621 - OK, you got five minutes. Hurry up and pick something. 60 00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:02,622 - OK. 61 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:09,629 * * 62 00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,470 Hey, Teddy. - Yeah? 63 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,097 - You ever seen a porno? 64 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,433 - Yeah, I saw a lot of them when I was out in Hollywood. 65 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,393 - They as awesome as people say? 66 00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,395 - They are, Johnny. 67 00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:26,646 - What are they like? 68 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,440 - Well, you turn it on, you settle in, 69 00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,774 you get your Kleenex and your lotion, 70 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,818 and you-- you fucking go to town. 71 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,153 - Wow. 72 00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,487 Sounds amazing. 73 00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:35,864 - Yeah, especially afterward when it's over 74 00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,824 and you think about what you did. 75 00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,034 - Really? 76 00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,368 - Yeah, and you clean yourself up 77 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,494 but the porn's still going on in the background, 78 00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,455 but it seems twice as loud now. 79 00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,956 And even though you didn't leave the house, 80 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,292 you know you've contributed to a woman's nightmare. 81 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,752 Oh, and you can't 82 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,962 shove that sock in the hamper deep enough. 83 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,256 - Man, every time I come in here and I see those doors, 84 00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,759 it's like it's so mysterious. 85 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,179 The private, exclusive adults-only room. 86 00:02:59,220 --> 00:03:02,140 [classy jazz music] 87 00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:09,272 * * 88 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:19,491 - [posh English accent] Master John, Master Ted. 89 00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:22,243 I'm so delighted that you've joined us. 90 00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:25,580 Are we thinking of renting some pornography this evening? 91 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:26,956 - [posh English accent] Indeed, we are, Lloyd. 92 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,416 - Splendid, splendid. 93 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:31,211 We have quite a fine selection for your perusal. 94 00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,129 - [posh English accent] Mm, well, what would you recommend? 95 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,422 - Your preference, sir. 96 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,633 Would you like to feel in charge, 97 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,551 or like an itty, bitty baby? 98 00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:41,137 - I do believe I would like to feel like a baby. 99 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:44,265 - [chuckles softly] No one has ever chosen the other one, sir. 100 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,975 - Yes, I would imagine not. 101 00:03:46,017 --> 00:03:47,227 [chortling laughter] 102 00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,645 - Very good, sir. 103 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,272 I'll be right back with your cream and kerchief. 104 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,024 - How's the wife, Lloyd? 105 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:57,195 - Well, sir, I'm afraid that Clara passed away last month. 106 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,239 - Oh, Lloyd, we're so very sorry. 107 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,491 - Thank you, sir. She fought bravely, 108 00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,618 but there was nothing the doctors could do. 109 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,745 - And how is your son taking the loss? 110 00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:08,206 - We haven't spoken since she passed away, sir. 111 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,251 I'm afraid that Jeremy blames me for his mother's death. 112 00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:12,419 - How terrible. 113 00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,129 - Thank heaven I have my work. 114 00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:17,340 Elsewise, I'm not sure I could go on living myself. 115 00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:21,344 Well, enjoy your pornography, sir. 116 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,929 - [normally] Jesus. 117 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,515 Your fantasy includes the guy losing his wife and family? 118 00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,599 - [normally] Well I mean, the son didn't die, 119 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:27,892 they're just estranged. 120 00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,644 - I just feel like 121 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,312 by putting all that on him, it distracts from ourstory. 122 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,606 - Teddy, you want to go in there? 123 00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:34,941 - In the back room? 124 00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,067 - Yeah. 125 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,318 Yeah, don't you think it's about time 126 00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,653 I rented my first porno? 127 00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,780 - Well, I hope you've gotten everything done 128 00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,699 that you need to get done ever. 129 00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:43,825 - Why? 130 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,035 - Oh, you'll see. Come on, let's do it. 131 00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:49,998 - Hey! No one under 18 in the adult section! 132 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,249 - Ah, shit. 133 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,959 - It's all right, Johnny. I'll go and get it. 134 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:54,085 - You hear me? 135 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,628 I said no one under 18! 136 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,213 - It's all right, buddy. It's just me. 137 00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,633 - You came to life in 1985. That makes you what, eight? 138 00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,135 - Dude, it's a little different. 139 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,845 - No. Rules are rules! 140 00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,013 - Ah, shit. 141 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,392 - Wow, what an amazing selection! 142 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,311 These are all so erotic! 143 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:12,395 - All right, if you guys are done 144 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,438 humiliating yourselves in public, 145 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,856 can we get out of here? 146 00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,358 - Uh, Blaire. 147 00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:17,484 - I'm not renting you porn. 148 00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:18,818 - Oh, come on, you gotta. 149 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:19,652 - No, I don't. 150 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:20,987 - Blaire, I'm already 16. 151 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,448 OK, if I was Mormon, I'd be a grandfather by now. 152 00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,408 - Blaire, be a pal, huh? Just this once. 153 00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,993 - I'm basically an adult already, OK? 154 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,953 I just want to watch an adult movie. 155 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,706 - All right, fine. 156 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,166 - What? - What? 157 00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,250 - I don't have time to stand here all day and argue. 158 00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,710 OK, just go wait in the car. 159 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,212 - Holy shit. Fucking awesome! - Oh, my God, Blaire! 160 00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,630 You're fucking amazing, Blaire! - Wow, Thank you so much! 161 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,964 Blaire, this is fucking awesome! 162 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,883 Thank you so much! - Oh, you're the fucking best! 163 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,094 - Oh, and whatever seems grossest to you, 164 00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,303 that's probably what we're going to like. 165 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,179 - I'm going to count to three. 166 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,389 - OK. 167 00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,184 - All right, you guys. Enjoy the movie. 168 00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,686 - Oh, we will. 169 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,604 - Oh, and don't be thrown when you turn it on. 170 00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:55,772 It's black and white. 171 00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,315 - Even better. - Yeah, finally. 172 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,025 We're telling theirstories. - Yeah, love that. 173 00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,193 - Representation matters. 174 00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,111 - Glad to hear it. 175 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,614 - OK. - Here we go. 176 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,409 - We got at least an hour before Mom gets back. 177 00:06:09,035 --> 00:06:10,495 [dramatic orchestral music on TV] 178 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,997 - All right, porno time! 179 00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:13,832 * * 180 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,167 - Whoa. "The 400 Blows." 181 00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,712 Whoever this guy is, he's going to be a nub by the end of it. 182 00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,797 - Ah, French fucking. All right. 183 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,382 Little hairy, but I'm on board. 184 00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:23,383 - [nasal French laugh] 185 00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,884 [both laughing nasally] 186 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,345 - That's what the fucking's going to sound like. 187 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,513 * * 188 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,640 - [speaking French] 189 00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,851 - [speaking French] 190 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,771 - Jesus, how the fuck long has this been going on? 191 00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,148 - You guys enjoying the movie? 192 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,774 - No! It sucks! 193 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,192 How the fuck is this a porno? 194 00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,654 - Well, I rented you guys an adult movie, 195 00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,115 as in a movie for adults. 196 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,742 - Oh, you suck. 197 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,869 - No, no, but wait, they were talking about ball sacks. 198 00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:51,911 - Balzac. 199 00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,079 - Yeah, exactly. So where were they? 200 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,914 - Are saying you don't like the film? 201 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:57,542 - No! No, there's no sex at all in this movie. 202 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:58,752 Just ennui. 203 00:06:58,793 --> 00:06:59,836 - I did you a favor. 204 00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,546 - No, we want to look at genitals. 205 00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,089 - Trust me, it's overrated. 206 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,008 - Wait, what do you mean? You watch porn? 207 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:05,884 - Uh, no. 208 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,886 But a guy from my school did 209 00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,138 mail me a photo of his dick last semester. 210 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,097 - Oh. 211 00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,849 - He even shot it in sepia tone. 212 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,809 - Wait, so it was, like, all old-timey? 213 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,061 - Yeah. 214 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,812 - Like, "This penis is a Dust Bowl orphan"? 215 00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,022 - You want the kicker? 216 00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,106 It was flaccid. 217 00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:21,441 - Wait, so he didn't even do the work? 218 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,944 - Nope. Just a flaccid dick with a fancy filter. 219 00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:27,030 - Well, I guess even a great director 220 00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:28,531 can't save a bad script. 221 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,283 - [sighs] Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys. 222 00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:31,201 It's a classic. 223 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,622 - Fuck this. 224 00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:38,625 [actors speaking French on TV] 225 00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:41,086 [switch clicks, VCR whirring] 226 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:42,754 [repetitive clicking] 227 00:07:43,046 --> 00:07:43,963 [switch clicks] 228 00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:50,011 [insects chirping] 229 00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:54,808 - Everyone, Matty and I have some news. 230 00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,227 - Oh, man. It finally happened. 231 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,312 Look, I'm sure this was a tough decision to make, 232 00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,481 but there's no sense in postponing the inevitable. 233 00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:02,816 You know what? 234 00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:03,817 Not every marriage is meant to last forever. 235 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,110 And at a certain point, 236 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,319 you're just throwing good years out the bag. 237 00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,404 - We're going out to dinner. 238 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,822 - Hey! That's... 239 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,156 one of my favorite meals. 240 00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:11,616 - We're going to go out, 241 00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,119 we're going to have a nice, romantic evening tomorrow. 242 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,579 Just the two of us just because. 243 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,248 And we're going to have a lovely time. 244 00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,582 - That's right. 245 00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:21,918 My wife deserves a night out just for being her. 246 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,503 We're going to have a--we're going to have a great meal, 247 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:24,629 and it's going to be terrific! 248 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:25,755 [hand slams on table loudly] - Jesus. 249 00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,173 Take it easy. - What? 250 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,175 I'm fucking happy. It's going to be a great night. 251 00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,011 - You know, I wonder if years from now, we'll find out 252 00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,888 this was all just one big, long heart attack. 253 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,807 - Teddy, can I speak to you in private? 254 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,100 OK, this is perfect. 255 00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:38,393 Mom and Dad are going to be out of the house 256 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,436 and Blaire's got school. 257 00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,021 There will never be a better time. 258 00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:41,855 - For what? 259 00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,857 - To rent a real porno. 260 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,191 - Well, how are we supposed to do it? 261 00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:47,193 That butt nut in the store says we got to be 18. 262 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,945 - There's a different guy that comes in at 6:00 263 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,155 for the night shift, all right? 264 00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,406 We get fake IDs, 265 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,575 we go in after 6:00, we can rent that porno. 266 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,076 - I don't know, Johnny. It's a risk. 267 00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:56,870 I mean, if we get caught-- - Teddy. 268 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,913 Watching other people have sex on a TV screen, 269 00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,291 that's just about the coolest thing a person can do. 270 00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:02,709 It's worth the risk. 271 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:05,211 By this time tomorrow, that dream could be ours. 272 00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,464 - All right. Let's get some sleep. 273 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,591 We jerk at first light. - Right. 274 00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:16,848 [upbeat jazz music] 275 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,851 * * 276 00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,062 - [blows air] 277 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,855 OK. Two fake IDs. 278 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:24,939 That'll be 50 bucks. 279 00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,275 - We got that same VCR at home. 280 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,360 - I don't give a shit. 281 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,694 - Right there. 282 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,488 My whole allowance for eight weeks. 283 00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:35,116 - All right, here we go. Enjoy your new lives as adults. 284 00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:37,285 - Jesus Christ, how old is this guy? 285 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:38,620 Looks like he's 40. 286 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,163 - Hey, you'll be fine, all right? 287 00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,207 [chuckles] Although Ted's took a little bit of work. 288 00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,584 - I-I can't use this. - Why not? 289 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,711 - It looks like Bob Ross. 290 00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,255 It is. It is Bob--this is Bob Ross. 291 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,423 - Well, you're a tough fit, pal. 292 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,008 It was either him or a pair of UGG boots. 293 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,844 - Oh, yeah, laugh it up now, but pretty soon, 294 00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:57,472 I'll be having an orgasm next to my friend. 295 00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:58,682 - Yeah! 296 00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,479 [suspenseful music] 297 00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:11,361 * * 298 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,825 - Wait, wait, not yet! Not yet! 299 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,576 That other bastard's still there. 300 00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,329 Act like we're just here to rent a movie. 301 00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,455 Ah, yes. 302 00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,666 This looks like a good, non-sexual film. 303 00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:26,251 - Oh, yes, I have heard many great, 304 00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,294 non-sexual things about this movie. 305 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,339 - Peter Travers calls it "a sex-free laugh riot." 306 00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:35,260 - "Time" magazine says, "about as erotic as mom's diarrhea." 307 00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:36,970 - The fuck? 308 00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:38,471 - What? - The fuck was that? 309 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,181 - What do you mean? I'm just expanding on your thing. 310 00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,349 - That's not what I was doing. 311 00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,685 - Improv's all about "Yes, and..." OK? 312 00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:44,602 You can't just shut me down like that 313 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,603 in the middle of a scene. 314 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,355 - Don't do "mom's diarrhea" 315 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,149 and then tell me how I'm fucking supposed to do improv. 316 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,277 Jesus Christ. [door opens] 317 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,445 - Hey. - Hey. 318 00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,487 All right. 319 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,822 I'm out of here. - Later. 320 00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:56,948 - Have a good one. 321 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,325 - All right, let's move. [door opens] 322 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,037 - Excuse me. Uh-uh. Adults only. 323 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,288 - Ah, yes. Of course. [Johnny chuckles] 324 00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,206 How forgetful of us. - Oh, don't worry. 325 00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,834 This, uh, this happens all the time. 326 00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,044 I understand your mistake. 327 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:14,382 - Oh, my God. 328 00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,425 - What? 329 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,218 - You're Bob Ross! 330 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,553 - Uh, yes. 331 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:19,888 Yes, I am. 332 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,890 - Mr. Ross, I am a huge fan of yours. 333 00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,516 - Oh, uh, well, thanks. 334 00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:25,101 - I love your whole artistic philosophy. 335 00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,562 The way you assign a motion to every tree and cloud. 336 00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,064 - Yeah, well, great. 337 00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,523 Um, listen, we're going to head to the adult section 338 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,692 and find ourselves a happy, little bush. 339 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,486 - See you in a bit. 340 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,241 OK. 341 00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:41,368 - Wow. 342 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,369 Looks like you're having quite a marathon. 343 00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,871 - Uh, yes. It's for a fundraiser. 344 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,539 - Oh, for what? 345 00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:47,999 - Jerking... 346 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,959 for Muscular Dystrophy. 347 00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,670 - Oh, yeah. JMD, of course. 348 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,506 - Hey, is there a limit on how many tapes you can rent? 349 00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,383 - Not for you, Mr. Ross. 350 00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,009 All right, these tapes are due back Thursday. 351 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,387 There's an $80 fee for any missing or damaged tapes. 352 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,179 - That's a lot of money. 353 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,430 - That's a lot of porn. 354 00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,933 - You know, other people want to masturbate, too! 355 00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,226 - Not tonight, pal. 356 00:12:06,267 --> 00:12:07,310 [hand slams on table loudly] 357 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,147 OK. 358 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:15,860 [soft classy piano music] 359 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:19,197 - Look at this place. [chuckles] 360 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,324 Isn't this a magical night? 361 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,451 - My sock's got a big hole in it. 362 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,995 If I tear it off, will you shove it in your purse? 363 00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,580 - Oh, look, Matty! 364 00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:30,959 They have a whole man just for the pepper! 365 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,003 Oh, let's get something that needs pepper. 366 00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,254 - When I was his age, 367 00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,297 I was liberating Nha Trang hut-by-hut. 368 00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,967 But yeah, sure. Pepper boy's good, too. 369 00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:42,595 - Gosh, everything's just so fancy-schmancy. 370 00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,431 I feel like Academy Awards. 371 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,516 - Hi there. How are we doing tonight, folks? 372 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,226 - My sock's bugging me. 373 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,186 - Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 374 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,646 Can I take your order? 375 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,648 - Matty, he's so sweet. 376 00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:54,816 What's your name? 377 00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,276 - Kevin, ma'am. 378 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,194 - Kevin, you go home, you call your mother, 379 00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,280 and you tell her Susan Bennett from Framingham 380 00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:03,033 said you did an excellent job. 381 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,826 - My mother has advanced Alzheimer's. 382 00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,870 She has no idea who I am. 383 00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,455 - I'll have the crab. 384 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,165 - [snaps fingers] Let me ask you a question there, Kev-o. 385 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,167 Why is the New York strip 24 bucks 386 00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,336 but at Rico's Market, it's like 8? 387 00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,212 - Well, supermarket prices and restaurant prices 388 00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,505 are different-- - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 389 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,133 It's a pretty sweet markup, 16 bucks for heat. 390 00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,010 That seem fair to you, Kev-o? 391 00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,636 - You could order the junior steak 392 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,180 off the kids menu for $9. 393 00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,724 - Now we're getting somewhere. [chuckling] OK. 394 00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,809 See that, Susan? He blinked first. 395 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,019 - Comes with your choice 396 00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:33,021 of an activity booklet or a silly straw. 397 00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,105 - Both, Kev-o. 398 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,565 Pile it high and good! 399 00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:36,733 - Yes, sir. 400 00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,318 - Here you go. - Thank you. 401 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,362 - Hang on. Do me a favor. 402 00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:42,030 [fabric ripping] 403 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,073 Throw this out for me, would you? 404 00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:46,868 [indistinct chatter] 405 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:51,206 - Wouldn't it be fun to be a waiter on a cruise ship? 406 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:54,376 Because when you're done, you're already home. 407 00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,420 I'm going to tell him that. 408 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,383 - All right, here we go. 409 00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:03,218 * Porno time, porno time * 410 00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,803 * Porno, porno, porno time! * 411 00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,137 Porno time! 412 00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,347 - All right, let's put one in. - All right. 413 00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:08,765 Wait, wait. Hang on a second. 414 00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,767 Before we start, we got to have some ground rules. 415 00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:11,935 - What do you mean? 416 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,603 - Well, like, where are you sitting? 417 00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:14,646 - On the couch. 418 00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:15,689 - Oh, no, no, no, no. 419 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:17,273 I don't want you in my eyeline. 420 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,651 - OK, we could, like, build a divider or something, 421 00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,027 like a pillow fort. 422 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,654 - Yeah, I don't know. Maybe we should watch alone. 423 00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,114 Like in shifts. 424 00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:25,073 - Yeah, I don't want to watch porn alone. 425 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,449 That feels tragic. 426 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,076 - All right, then we'll watch it together. 427 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,327 - Yeah, well that feels creepy. 428 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,704 - John, we're watching porn. 429 00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,288 It's either going to be creepy or tragic. 430 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,456 Those are the choices. 431 00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,000 - All right, let's go with creepy. 432 00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,668 Which one are we starting with? 433 00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,171 - How is everything? 434 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,048 - Oh, it's just wonderful. 435 00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,258 - Not good, Kev-o. 436 00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,926 The word "apple" ain't in here anywhere. 437 00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,803 - They allow diagonal, sir. 438 00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:50,015 - Well, they should put that in the goddamn directions! 439 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,057 - I'll tell the chef. 440 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,267 - Yeah. 441 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,561 - Matty, you have to try this crab. 442 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:55,687 - No, I'm fine. 443 00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,022 - Oh, just one bite. It's so delicious. 444 00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,314 - I'm fine. I got my own food. 445 00:14:58,356 --> 00:14:59,858 - Just a baby bite. - I don't want any. 446 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,860 - Just try. Just one bite. - Jesus Christ, Susan. 447 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,111 Why is it always so important 448 00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,404 that I have some of what you ordered? 449 00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:05,905 - I want you to have some of this 450 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,323 because I think you'll like it. 451 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:08,450 - Well if I wanted the goddamn crab, 452 00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,951 I would have ordered the goddamn crab! 453 00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,161 - But in the car on the way home, 454 00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:12,454 I can say, wasn't it good? And you'll know. 455 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:13,955 - For fuck's sake! All right! 456 00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,041 - You'll know. - All right! 457 00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,757 Oh, goddamn it. 458 00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:24,966 Goddamn it! 459 00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:26,009 That's better than what I ordered! 460 00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,219 - You see? I knew you'd like it. 461 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,429 - [mouth full] Shit! 462 00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:30,680 - I can't wait to talk about it later. 463 00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,350 I wish we were in the car right now. 464 00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,684 - Here. 465 00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,811 I got something for you. 466 00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,271 - Oh, Matty, what is it? 467 00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,065 - Just open it. Be careful. 468 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:44,986 - A nail? 469 00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,029 - Yeah. 470 00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:47,447 Just before you're finished, 471 00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:48,740 put that in what's left of your food 472 00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,450 and then "find" it. 473 00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,910 Whole night will be comped. 474 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,078 Hey, Kev-o! 475 00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,662 - Hi, I'm Brad. 476 00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,081 Kevin quit. 477 00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,583 - Oh, how about this one? 478 00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,585 "Interracial Butt Fest." 479 00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,379 Oh, thank you, Dr. King. 480 00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,589 - "Anal Screwlympics VIII." 481 00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,758 - I didn't see the first seven. I'm not going to understand it. 482 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,719 - Man, this guy's running his own three-legged race. 483 00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:12,180 [laughing] Oh, let's start with this one. 484 00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,692 - You sure that's going to work? 485 00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,235 - Yeah, I don't know. 486 00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:26,277 But all I'm thinking about right 487 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,445 now is my dead relatives. 488 00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,405 - Why? 489 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,489 - Well, Father White once said 490 00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,032 that if you ever masturbate, 491 00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,118 then all your dead relatives are up in heaven watching you. 492 00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,036 - How is that heaven? 493 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,538 - Boy, you know, that is a great point. 494 00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:37,747 - I mean, are they up there like, 495 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,124 "Hey, you want to go to Abe Lincoln's house?" 496 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,250 "Yeah, I'd like to, 497 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:41,376 "but my nephew is gonna jerk off, 498 00:16:41,418 --> 00:16:42,669 so I got to go watch that." 499 00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:43,753 - OK, so we're fine. 500 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:53,471 [sultry music on TV] 501 00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,889 - [chuckling] All right. 502 00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,224 * * 503 00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,976 Oh, he's a doctor. 504 00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,353 Looks like it's his first day at a new hospital. 505 00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:01,479 - And that's usually the day 506 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:02,439 you have sex with everyone, right? 507 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,482 - Oh, it sure is, Johnny. 508 00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,650 - Whoops. 509 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,402 Oh, looks like all her clothes fell off. 510 00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:10,447 - Oh, here we go. [moaning on TV] 511 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:12,073 - That's a weird thermometer. 512 00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,408 Hey, that's funny. 513 00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,367 I thought they only took your temperature like that 514 00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:15,410 when you were a baby. 515 00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:16,745 - Yeah, that's-that's not a-- 516 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,204 - He's, like, pulling it in and out. 517 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,248 It's never going to get an accurate reading like that. 518 00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,334 [moaning on TV intensifying] 519 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,669 - Oh. Well, I guess herprostate's fine. 520 00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,796 [moaning on TV] 521 00:17:26,838 --> 00:17:27,839 [VCR clicks] 522 00:17:27,881 --> 00:17:29,549 [electrical buzzing] 523 00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,593 - What happened? - I don't know. 524 00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:32,969 Tape froze. 525 00:17:33,011 --> 00:17:36,139 [electrical buzzing] 526 00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:38,725 [VCR clicking] 527 00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,810 - It's stuck. The tape's stuck! 528 00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,270 - Oh, shit! 529 00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,646 - It's not coming out. What are we going to do? 530 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,273 - All right. Don't panic, don't panic. 531 00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,316 - Don't panic? 532 00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:47,442 What the fuck am I supposed to do? 533 00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:48,777 - I just need a second to think. 534 00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,278 - No, there is a porno stuck in the fucking VCR! 535 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,279 - Just let me fucking think! - What am I supposed to do? 536 00:17:51,321 --> 00:17:52,280 - Just let me fucking think! 537 00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,783 Let me fucking think! 538 00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,993 OK, we're going to have to take the machine apart. 539 00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,453 - All right. 540 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,832 I can't even open it. There's no screws. 541 00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:03,875 It's just rivets. 542 00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:04,876 - OK, I got it, I got it. 543 00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,419 We got to swap out VCRs. 544 00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:08,421 Get rid of this one, replace it with a new one. 545 00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,215 - How are we going to find a new VCR tonight? 546 00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,133 Even if shit was still open, we got no money. 547 00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,593 And anyways, this is an older model. 548 00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:15,970 You probably can't even fucking find it anymore. 549 00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,263 - Yes, you can. 550 00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:18,807 The AV room at school! They got one there. 551 00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,183 We can go get it tonight. 552 00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:21,976 - Going into school after hours? 553 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:22,977 Won't that look suspicious? 554 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:23,978 - There's a game tonight. 555 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,146 The school's open. 556 00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,356 We dress like basketball players 557 00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:27,607 and if anyone sees us, 558 00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,192 they'll think we're there for the game. 559 00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:31,194 - If we blow this, everybody's going to know we're perverts. 560 00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:32,821 - Jesus. 561 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,864 All this work, and we didn't even get to have an orgasm. 562 00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,658 - Yeah, yeah. Right. 563 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:39,994 Yeah, man, that fucking sucks, both of us... 564 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,371 didn't. 565 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,541 - I just don't understand it. 566 00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:45,792 I mean, we're not under construction. 567 00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:48,003 - Well, you know, the good news is she saw it. 568 00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,295 Otherwise... [chuckles] 569 00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,381 She could have died. 570 00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:52,674 Right, Susan? 571 00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:54,676 You could have died if you ate a nail. 572 00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,804 - I guess I could have died if I ate a nail. 573 00:18:57,846 --> 00:19:00,223 - I am so deeply sorry, Mrs. Bennett. 574 00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:02,517 Of course, your entire evening is comped. 575 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,185 And if there's anything else we can do for you, 576 00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,228 please tell us. 577 00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:07,522 - Yeah, you see that old-timey 578 00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:10,233 diver's helmet you got there in the window? 579 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:11,985 I want you to fill it with shrimp. 580 00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:23,079 - Wasn't the crab good? 581 00:19:23,121 --> 00:19:26,041 [suspenseful music] 582 00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:30,545 * * 583 00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,214 - OK, almost got it. 584 00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:34,799 Ah. There we go. 585 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,053 OK, you stay here, I'm going to make sure the coast is clear. 586 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,054 - OK. 587 00:19:39,095 --> 00:19:41,639 [sports organ playing] 588 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,475 [door clangs loudly] - Ice it up, Hampton. 589 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,517 You'll be fine. 590 00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:45,727 - I don't know, Coach. 591 00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,354 I think I heard it break. - A little ice. 592 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,064 Best thing for it. 593 00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,065 Hey, Bennett! 594 00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:51,274 - Uh, yeah? 595 00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,734 - We're a man down. Get in there! 596 00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,486 No forfeit! We got a player! [whistle blows] 597 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,820 - Actually, Coach, you know I'm not-- 598 00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,239 - Now, Bennett! We got a game to win! 599 00:19:58,281 --> 00:20:02,118 [crowd cheering] 600 00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,079 [buzzer blares, crowd roaring] 601 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,331 - Ain't so fucking hard. 602 00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,874 Let's get the hell out of here. 603 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:14,464 - Jesus. What a night, huh? 604 00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,259 - Matty. 605 00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,387 What you did there was a sin. 606 00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:21,680 You lied to them. 607 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,765 - Ah, they lied to us first. 608 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:25,892 Goddamn steak doesn't cost 24 bucks. 609 00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,310 We're even. 610 00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:30,146 And the best part is I didn't even have to use this. 611 00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:31,731 - What is that? 612 00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:34,109 - A coupon for one free meal at Chuck's Steak House. 613 00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,987 So all in, we get three free dinners for the price of one. 614 00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:40,323 - Is that why you wanted to go out to dinner? 615 00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:41,825 Because you had a coupon? 616 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:45,370 - I had a beautiful woman on my arm and I spent no money. 617 00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:46,663 A perfect evening. 618 00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:48,456 Andthe activity book! 619 00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:49,624 Hey, Johnny! 620 00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:53,044 Your old man solved a maze tonight! 621 00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,170 It's Friday night. 622 00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:55,171 He's probably at the basketball game. 623 00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,131 You're going up? 624 00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,632 - Uh, no. 625 00:20:57,674 --> 00:20:59,968 I think I'll stay up for a while and watch TV. 626 00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:00,969 - Suit yourself. 627 00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:02,262 Mwah! 628 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,514 I'm going to roll around in bed and try to burp. 629 00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:06,725 [Susan sighs] 630 00:21:15,358 --> 00:21:16,317 [Susan sighs] 631 00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:17,444 [VCR whirring] 632 00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:19,070 [sultry music on TV] 633 00:21:19,112 --> 00:21:22,032 [intense moaning on TV] 634 00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:28,455 * * 635 00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:30,165 - Oh-- 636 00:21:30,206 --> 00:21:33,168 [moaning on TV] 637 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:40,216 * * 638 00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:43,803 [moaning on TV intensifying] 639 00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:46,306 - Oh, yeah! - Yes! 640 00:21:46,348 --> 00:21:47,682 - [inhales sharply] 641 00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:49,517 - Oh, my God! [both moaning] 642 00:21:49,559 --> 00:21:52,729 - [snoring] 643 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:06,951 [Matty farts] - Hey. 644 00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:09,329 Knock it off. 645 00:22:09,371 --> 00:22:11,581 [snoring] 646 00:22:11,623 --> 00:22:14,084 [Susan sighs] 647 00:22:14,125 --> 00:22:15,710 [suspenseful music] 648 00:22:15,752 --> 00:22:17,420 - You know, I just realized we probably 649 00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,547 could have just dressed like ourselves going to the game. 650 00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:21,383 - Hey, shh! The lights are out. 651 00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:24,344 Mom and Dad must be asleep. 652 00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:26,930 All right, I'll swap it out. You make sure no one's coming. 653 00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:28,223 - Right. 654 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:34,396 * * 655 00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:35,730 - All right, it's done. 656 00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:38,108 - Not quite. We still got to get that tape out. 657 00:22:42,028 --> 00:22:44,197 [suspenseful musical crescendo] 658 00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:46,408 - The fuck? 659 00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:50,120 - Oh, shit. - It's gone! 660 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,251 - OK, let's- let's just calm down here. 661 00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:57,919 - What do you mean calm down? The tape's gone! 662 00:22:57,961 --> 00:23:00,505 - It can't just be gone. It's got to be somewhere. 663 00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:02,465 - Oh, shit. 664 00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:04,426 Ah shit. - What, what, what? 665 00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:05,593 - Somebody found it. 666 00:23:05,635 --> 00:23:07,137 Somebody found it and they took it. 667 00:23:07,178 --> 00:23:09,264 - Oh, shit. 668 00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:12,434 OK, tomorrow, when everyone's out, we search the house. 669 00:23:12,475 --> 00:23:13,518 - What if we don't find it? 670 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:14,728 - Then we'll have to 671 00:23:14,769 --> 00:23:16,104 rent the same movie from another store 672 00:23:16,146 --> 00:23:17,731 and return it to the first store 673 00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:19,607 and we'll have to do that every three days 674 00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:20,775 until the end of time. 675 00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,110 - Oh, my God. 676 00:23:22,152 --> 00:23:25,405 - Yeah. Like a Pornzi scheme. 677 00:23:25,447 --> 00:23:27,073 [laughter] 678 00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:30,160 Yeah, we're in trouble, but we can still have fun with words. 679 00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:57,771 [bell tolling] 680 00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:07,238 - Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. 681 00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:10,742 - Hello, Susan. 682 00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:12,952 - Oh, dear. 683 00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:15,121 I wish you'd close it this time. 684 00:24:15,163 --> 00:24:17,665 - We're all sinners in God's eyes. 685 00:24:17,707 --> 00:24:20,919 - Well... 686 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,755 I saw a porno, Father. 687 00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:25,382 - Oh. 688 00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:28,635 And how did you come to see this, Susan? 689 00:24:28,677 --> 00:24:31,262 - Matty left it in the VCR. 690 00:24:31,304 --> 00:24:33,807 Earlier that night, we went out to dinner. 691 00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:35,100 And I thought he was 692 00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,227 taking me out for a romantic evening 693 00:24:37,268 --> 00:24:41,147 just the two of us, so I got all dressed up. 694 00:24:41,189 --> 00:24:43,942 And he didn't even notice. 695 00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:47,404 And then I found out that he had a coupon. 696 00:24:47,445 --> 00:24:51,741 And that's why he wanted to go out. 697 00:24:51,783 --> 00:24:54,703 And Father, maybe... 698 00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:57,414 I'm not what he wants anymore. 699 00:24:57,455 --> 00:25:01,418 - Susan, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that. 700 00:25:01,459 --> 00:25:04,921 Husbands and wives have different sensibilities. 701 00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,548 There's a reason the Lord made it 702 00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:10,135 so that a man can masturbate and a woman cannot. 703 00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:11,886 - W-well, that's true. 704 00:25:11,928 --> 00:25:13,596 - And as for what you saw, 705 00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:16,433 God understands that you didn't seek it out. 706 00:25:16,474 --> 00:25:19,144 And as long as the man and the woman in the film 707 00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:22,063 are married and not using birth control, 708 00:25:22,105 --> 00:25:23,940 I don't think you have anything to worry about. 709 00:25:23,982 --> 00:25:27,944 - It wasn't just a man and a woman. 710 00:25:27,986 --> 00:25:31,614 There-there was another woman, too. 711 00:25:31,656 --> 00:25:33,116 - I see. 712 00:25:33,158 --> 00:25:36,161 - Although she wasn't really participating. 713 00:25:36,202 --> 00:25:40,707 She was just sort of choking the other girl. 714 00:25:40,749 --> 00:25:43,126 - Well, Matty is your husband. 715 00:25:43,168 --> 00:25:44,878 And if one of you is bored in the marriage, 716 00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,629 then the other may wish to consider 717 00:25:46,671 --> 00:25:50,633 how to address that and ways to make things more exciting. 718 00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:56,056 Remember, nothing is wrong if you don't enjoy it too much. 719 00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:58,808 - Well, I could certainly try. 720 00:25:58,850 --> 00:26:01,394 - Good, good. 721 00:26:01,436 --> 00:26:05,440 So the choking, was she upset by it? 722 00:26:05,482 --> 00:26:07,817 - Or-- - I should probably get home. 723 00:26:07,859 --> 00:26:10,278 - All right. To be continued. 724 00:26:11,696 --> 00:26:14,657 [quirky suspenseful music] 725 00:26:14,699 --> 00:26:19,662 * * 726 00:26:19,704 --> 00:26:20,955 - No. 727 00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:22,874 * * 728 00:26:22,916 --> 00:26:24,501 - Johnny! 729 00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:25,335 Johnny, I found it. 730 00:26:25,377 --> 00:26:27,253 - Oh, fuck. Thank God. 731 00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:29,089 - I know. I just saved us bucks. 732 00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:31,049 - Wait, where was it? 733 00:26:31,091 --> 00:26:32,884 - Well, it was, uh-- 734 00:26:32,926 --> 00:26:34,678 it was in Susan's underwear drawer. 735 00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:36,262 - What? 736 00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:37,889 - Yeah, it was behind the ones with the pineapples on it. 737 00:26:37,931 --> 00:26:39,391 - No, no, no! I don't want to hear about my mom's underpants. 738 00:26:39,432 --> 00:26:41,518 - Oh, but her diarrhea you bring up at the drop of a hat. 739 00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:44,854 - Teddy, do you know what this means? 740 00:26:44,896 --> 00:26:47,023 Mom found "Genital Hospital." 741 00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:49,025 She knows I watch porn! 742 00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:50,360 - Oh, boy. It looks that way. 743 00:26:50,402 --> 00:26:52,445 - I can never face her again. 744 00:26:52,487 --> 00:26:54,572 We have to run away, never to return. 745 00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:55,990 - I see no other option. 746 00:26:56,032 --> 00:26:58,326 - I'm going to miss this house. 747 00:26:58,368 --> 00:27:00,286 Goodbye, water-stained ceilings. 748 00:27:00,328 --> 00:27:03,373 - Goodbye, silverware drawer that doesn't close all the way. 749 00:27:03,415 --> 00:27:05,125 - Goodbye, windows painted shut. 750 00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,794 - Goodbye, door you have to lean on to close. 751 00:27:07,836 --> 00:27:10,964 - Goodbye, peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper. 752 00:27:11,006 --> 00:27:13,216 - Goodbye, carpet that's never been dry. 753 00:27:13,258 --> 00:27:15,260 - Goodbye, unpermitted bathroom addition. 754 00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:18,138 - Goodbye, lamp that shocks you every time you touch it. 755 00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:20,640 - Goodbye, picture of a pope from two popes ago. 756 00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:23,560 - Goodbye, plastic bag full of plastic bags. 757 00:27:23,601 --> 00:27:26,229 - Goodbye, medicine cabinet with black mold in the corner. 758 00:27:26,271 --> 00:27:27,731 - Jesus, let's get the fuck out of here. 759 00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:29,190 - Yeah, no shit. 760 00:27:34,654 --> 00:27:35,697 - We sure would like it 761 00:27:35,739 --> 00:27:38,700 if you'd help us with our problem. 762 00:27:38,742 --> 00:27:40,285 - Only problem you've got, Sheriff, 763 00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:42,412 is a short supply of guts. 764 00:27:42,454 --> 00:27:45,248 You people don't need me. 765 00:27:45,874 --> 00:27:49,044 Look, place at least a couple good riflemen 766 00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:51,713 on top of that building up there. 767 00:27:51,755 --> 00:27:53,798 Maybe a couple more with shotguns down 768 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,258 behind green bags over there. 769 00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:57,552 - What you watching? 770 00:27:57,594 --> 00:27:59,596 - "High Plains Drifter." 771 00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:01,306 It's Clint Eastwood week. 772 00:28:01,348 --> 00:28:02,515 - Oh. 773 00:28:02,557 --> 00:28:03,808 What's it about? 774 00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:05,643 - Oh, he's a cowboy. 775 00:28:05,685 --> 00:28:08,063 But at the end, you realize he's a ghost. 776 00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:09,606 But he can still shoot a gun, 777 00:28:09,647 --> 00:28:12,233 so, you know, not like-- he's not like a real ghost. 778 00:28:12,275 --> 00:28:14,361 - Matty, honey, 779 00:28:14,402 --> 00:28:16,321 can we talk about that movie 780 00:28:16,363 --> 00:28:19,491 that you were watching yesterday? 781 00:28:19,532 --> 00:28:21,284 - I can't remember what it was. 782 00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:23,203 They're all kind of the same movie. 783 00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:26,706 - Are you entertained by them? 784 00:28:26,748 --> 00:28:29,793 - I'm a guy. I mean, all guys like 'em. 785 00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:32,712 - Is that what you want? 786 00:28:32,754 --> 00:28:34,547 What you see in those movies? 787 00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:37,384 - God no. I just--I just watch 'em. 788 00:28:37,425 --> 00:28:41,262 - Well is there one you like best? 789 00:28:41,304 --> 00:28:43,515 - I like "Every Which Way But Loose." 790 00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:44,599 - Oh. 791 00:28:44,641 --> 00:28:46,184 - Yeah, that one's crazy. 792 00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:48,395 There's a monkey that gives everybody the finger. 793 00:28:48,436 --> 00:28:49,979 [Matty chuckles] - Oh. 794 00:28:50,021 --> 00:28:52,524 - Yeah, I'd love to see that. 795 00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:53,692 - Wow. 796 00:28:54,192 --> 00:28:57,529 It is getting hot in here. 797 00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,616 Powerful hot. 798 00:29:01,658 --> 00:29:03,034 - We can't run the air conditioner. 799 00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:04,494 Found a dead bird in it. 800 00:29:04,536 --> 00:29:06,329 Repair guy says we got to wait till its guts dry out 801 00:29:06,371 --> 00:29:08,123 before we run the unit again. 802 00:29:08,164 --> 00:29:10,792 - Well I wouldn't know about that. 803 00:29:10,834 --> 00:29:12,794 I'm just a girl. 804 00:29:38,153 --> 00:29:40,113 - What are you doing? 805 00:29:40,155 --> 00:29:41,698 - I wanted a banana. 806 00:29:41,740 --> 00:29:42,741 - Well, then eat it. 807 00:29:42,782 --> 00:29:44,200 Why the hell are you staring at me? 808 00:29:44,242 --> 00:29:46,202 - Because... 809 00:29:46,244 --> 00:29:48,455 I've been bad. 810 00:29:48,496 --> 00:29:49,831 - What do you mean you've been bad? 811 00:29:49,873 --> 00:29:50,874 You-- 812 00:29:50,915 --> 00:29:52,042 oh, Jesus Christ, Susan. 813 00:29:52,083 --> 00:29:53,543 Is that the last one? 814 00:29:53,585 --> 00:29:54,794 God damn it! 815 00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:57,172 Now what am I supposed to have for my snack? 816 00:29:57,213 --> 00:29:59,174 [Matty groans] 817 00:29:59,215 --> 00:30:00,383 Oh! Oh great, Susan! 818 00:30:00,425 --> 00:30:02,135 A Pringles can with one left! 819 00:30:02,177 --> 00:30:03,970 That'll be satisfying! 820 00:30:04,012 --> 00:30:05,055 Ow! 821 00:30:05,096 --> 00:30:06,806 Fucking lamp shocked me again! 822 00:30:08,641 --> 00:30:10,518 [knock at door] 823 00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,728 - Yeah? 824 00:30:14,022 --> 00:30:15,398 Aunt Suze, what's up? 825 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,442 - Blaire, can I talk to you for a minute? 826 00:30:17,484 --> 00:30:19,569 - Sure. Yeah, come on in. 827 00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:26,743 What, uh, what's the matter? 828 00:30:26,785 --> 00:30:28,495 - Well... 829 00:30:28,536 --> 00:30:32,791 last night, Matty and I went out to dinner. 830 00:30:32,832 --> 00:30:34,834 I got all dressed up. 831 00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:39,089 I rubbed on a Clinique sampler from Redbook. 832 00:30:39,130 --> 00:30:41,591 I don't even think he noticed. 833 00:30:41,633 --> 00:30:47,263 And then when we got home, I turned on the TV. 834 00:30:47,305 --> 00:30:51,643 And I found... 835 00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:54,187 - What? 836 00:30:54,229 --> 00:30:57,190 - A porn. 837 00:30:57,232 --> 00:30:58,441 - Oh. 838 00:30:58,483 --> 00:31:01,945 - I think Matty's been watching porns. 839 00:31:01,986 --> 00:31:03,154 - Right. 840 00:31:03,196 --> 00:31:05,782 - Do you think maybe he-- 841 00:31:05,824 --> 00:31:08,827 doesn't think I'm exciting anymore? 842 00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:10,453 Am I a disappointment? 843 00:31:10,495 --> 00:31:12,330 - No, absolutely not, Aunt Suze. 844 00:31:12,372 --> 00:31:13,790 Listen to me. 845 00:31:13,832 --> 00:31:17,377 You are probably the most wonderful person that I know. 846 00:31:17,419 --> 00:31:20,255 - But if that's what he wants, what can I do? 847 00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:22,298 I don't want to have to choke other women. 848 00:31:22,340 --> 00:31:23,633 - Yeah, I don't think you need to. 849 00:31:23,675 --> 00:31:25,719 - But I'll do it if that's what Matty wants. 850 00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:26,678 - No, let's not go down that route. 851 00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,471 - I'll do what those women did. 852 00:31:28,513 --> 00:31:29,931 - I really don't think that's necessary. 853 00:31:29,973 --> 00:31:32,308 - I-I-I'll even do what Dr. Sausage did in that movie. 854 00:31:32,350 --> 00:31:33,309 I'll do it. - OK-- 855 00:31:33,351 --> 00:31:34,978 - I'll do it. - Stop. 856 00:31:35,020 --> 00:31:36,146 Look. 857 00:31:36,187 --> 00:31:40,108 This is difficult for me to say, but, um, 858 00:31:40,150 --> 00:31:44,070 the tape you found... 859 00:31:44,112 --> 00:31:46,072 it's mine. 860 00:31:46,114 --> 00:31:47,073 - What? 861 00:31:47,115 --> 00:31:48,283 - I'm sorry. 862 00:31:48,324 --> 00:31:49,909 I apologize for being so careless. 863 00:31:49,951 --> 00:31:52,162 I never should have left it in the VCR. 864 00:31:52,203 --> 00:31:53,163 It was stupid. 865 00:31:53,204 --> 00:31:54,748 - So it's not Matty's? 866 00:31:54,789 --> 00:31:56,249 - No, it's not. 867 00:31:56,291 --> 00:31:57,459 [Susan gasps] 868 00:31:57,500 --> 00:32:01,338 - Oh! Oh, my God! 869 00:32:01,379 --> 00:32:03,882 Oh, I'm so relieved! - Good. 870 00:32:03,923 --> 00:32:07,177 - I thought Matty was bored with me. 871 00:32:07,218 --> 00:32:08,636 Oh, Blaire. 872 00:32:08,678 --> 00:32:10,972 I--ew. 873 00:32:11,014 --> 00:32:13,099 Why did you have a porn? 874 00:32:13,141 --> 00:32:15,226 - I would say a porn-o. 875 00:32:15,268 --> 00:32:16,978 Just hits the ear better. 876 00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:18,938 - Why were you watching porn-o? 877 00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:22,525 - Well, OK, in that context, you'd say porn. 878 00:32:22,567 --> 00:32:24,986 See, if there's an article in front of it like an "a" 879 00:32:25,028 --> 00:32:27,238 or a "the," it's aporno. 880 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,742 But if not, it's just porn. 881 00:32:31,451 --> 00:32:33,370 - I'm just not going to say it anymore. 882 00:32:33,411 --> 00:32:37,999 - OK. Look, to answer your question, it... 883 00:32:38,041 --> 00:32:40,251 it was a sorority thing. 884 00:32:40,293 --> 00:32:41,628 We rented a dirty movie. 885 00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:43,922 It was-- you know how sororities are. 886 00:32:43,963 --> 00:32:45,632 It's like a prank. 887 00:32:45,674 --> 00:32:48,301 - Oh! Oh, it was a prank. 888 00:32:48,343 --> 00:32:50,512 - Yeah. - Oh! 889 00:32:50,553 --> 00:32:53,598 So Matty and I are just fine! 890 00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,351 - I would say this one thing isn't a problem. 891 00:32:56,393 --> 00:32:59,229 But it's-- 892 00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:01,523 well, I'd call it a work in progress. 893 00:33:01,564 --> 00:33:05,819 And for the record, Aunt Suze, 894 00:33:05,860 --> 00:33:09,864 I don't think anybody ever could be bored with you. 895 00:33:09,906 --> 00:33:12,659 Matty is not great at communication. 896 00:33:12,701 --> 00:33:15,745 But unless he's completely blind or insane, 897 00:33:15,787 --> 00:33:19,249 I bet he still loves you a whole lot. 898 00:33:19,290 --> 00:33:21,209 - Come here. - Mm. 899 00:33:21,251 --> 00:33:22,419 - Aw. 900 00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:29,801 I hope one day, you'll find yourMatty. 901 00:33:29,843 --> 00:33:32,595 - Oh, that's-- 902 00:33:32,637 --> 00:33:33,930 I'm going to be just fine. 903 00:33:33,972 --> 00:33:34,889 - Let's pray. 904 00:33:37,475 --> 00:33:40,395 ["Amazing Grace" on harmonica] 905 00:33:40,437 --> 00:33:47,569 * * 906 00:33:53,825 --> 00:33:55,410 - Where are we going to go, Teddy? 907 00:33:55,452 --> 00:33:57,120 - I was thinking Saudi Arabia. 908 00:33:57,162 --> 00:33:59,956 I hear nobody's ashamed to masturbate there. 909 00:33:59,998 --> 00:34:01,833 - What do you think they're doing back at the house? 910 00:34:01,875 --> 00:34:05,253 - Probably the same thing we're doing but with a table. 911 00:34:05,295 --> 00:34:06,796 - God. 912 00:34:06,838 --> 00:34:09,758 We watched six seconds of porn and it ruined our lives. 913 00:34:09,799 --> 00:34:11,468 - Relax, losers. 914 00:34:11,509 --> 00:34:13,636 Your lives aren't ruined. 915 00:34:13,678 --> 00:34:14,429 Yet. 916 00:34:14,471 --> 00:34:15,764 - Blaire. 917 00:34:15,805 --> 00:34:17,307 Oh, you're a sight for sore eyes, you are. 918 00:34:17,349 --> 00:34:19,059 Good Lord, look how you've grown. 919 00:34:19,100 --> 00:34:20,185 - How'd you find us? 920 00:34:20,226 --> 00:34:22,937 - Uh, harmonica music really carries. 921 00:34:22,979 --> 00:34:25,982 Listen, uh, you don't have to worry about the porno, 922 00:34:26,024 --> 00:34:26,983 all right? 923 00:34:27,025 --> 00:34:28,234 I took the heat for you. 924 00:34:28,276 --> 00:34:29,569 - What? 925 00:34:29,611 --> 00:34:31,946 - I told Aunt Suze that the tape was mine. 926 00:34:31,988 --> 00:34:33,031 You can come home now. 927 00:34:33,073 --> 00:34:36,659 - Blaire, you-- you did that for us? 928 00:34:36,701 --> 00:34:39,746 - Uh, no. I really did it for Susan. 929 00:34:39,788 --> 00:34:41,915 She was upset enough because she thought it was Matty's. 930 00:34:41,956 --> 00:34:44,834 If she found out it was yours, she'd probably cry for a year. 931 00:34:44,876 --> 00:34:47,712 - Jesus Christ, Blaire. Thank you so much. 932 00:34:47,754 --> 00:34:48,588 - Yeah. 933 00:34:48,630 --> 00:34:50,006 - We really owe you big time. 934 00:34:50,048 --> 00:34:51,466 - Oh, yeah, you do. 935 00:34:51,508 --> 00:34:53,677 Now, put out your dumb fire and let's get out of here. 936 00:34:53,718 --> 00:34:55,970 - I love that plan. Because you know what? 937 00:34:56,012 --> 00:34:57,681 We got a porno to return. 938 00:34:57,722 --> 00:34:59,182 - And I'll tell you one thing. 939 00:34:59,224 --> 00:35:01,017 I would never watch porn again. 940 00:35:01,059 --> 00:35:03,311 Even if it was everywhere, all the time. 941 00:35:03,353 --> 00:35:05,522 Even if I had, like, a weird, little device in my pocket 942 00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:06,856 that would give it to me whenever I wanted 943 00:35:06,898 --> 00:35:08,608 so I could jerk off at a moment's notice. 944 00:35:08,650 --> 00:35:10,443 No. Never again. 945 00:35:10,485 --> 00:35:12,862 [swelling orchestral music] 946 00:35:12,904 --> 00:35:15,615 narrator: John kept his promise. 947 00:35:15,657 --> 00:35:17,450 For the next two years. 948 00:35:17,492 --> 00:35:21,413 Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, 949 00:35:21,454 --> 00:35:23,748 he pulled on his penis so hard, 950 00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:26,126 it damn near came off. 951 00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:27,210 That didn't deter him 952 00:35:27,252 --> 00:35:29,838 from masturbating four more times 953 00:35:29,879 --> 00:35:32,382 before going to a local urgent care, 954 00:35:32,424 --> 00:35:33,800 where he waited eight hours 955 00:35:33,842 --> 00:35:36,177 in line behind dozens of other men 956 00:35:36,219 --> 00:35:38,763 who had also nearly pulled their penises off 957 00:35:38,805 --> 00:35:41,057 after discovering the internet. 958 00:35:41,099 --> 00:35:44,185 And now, today, anyone you talk to 959 00:35:44,227 --> 00:35:47,397 has jerked off within the last 20 minutes. 960 00:35:47,439 --> 00:35:49,190 This is Ian McKellen, 961 00:35:49,232 --> 00:35:53,236 reminding you: don't shake anyone's hand. 962 00:35:53,278 --> 00:35:55,238 Good night. 963 00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,782 * * 964 00:36:01,786 --> 00:36:04,456 [Norah Jones' "Everybody Needs a Best Friend"] 965 00:36:04,497 --> 00:36:08,835 - * Oh, you've got a headful of someone dreadful * 966 00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:12,088 * And yet, alas, that someone adores you * 967 00:36:12,130 --> 00:36:13,631 * * 968 00:36:13,673 --> 00:36:17,385 * Everybody needs a best friend * 969 00:36:17,427 --> 00:36:19,888 * I'm happy I'm yours * 970 00:36:19,929 --> 00:36:23,391 * I'm just a clown * 971 00:36:23,433 --> 00:36:26,853 * And I'll bring you down * 972 00:36:26,895 --> 00:36:32,942 * But you just don't care 'cause your * 973 00:36:32,984 --> 00:36:34,986 * Best friend is me * 974 00:36:35,028 --> 00:36:41,951 * *